The End of Fruitless Doubt

Today has been one for the books.

My husband is spending the day hunting with his best friend, and I've been trying to clean and get ready for the next few days of festivities.  Before heading out to the store, I decided to check the bank account balances, since we have a big bill due tomorrow, and I despise late fees.

The accounts were sadly low.... even empty. 

How did this happen??? We budgeted and saved every penny we could so we could buy the kids Christmas gifts. We've never spent a ton, but we try to get a few things for each of them that they have wanted. We don't buy much in the way of toys for our kids except for birthdays and Christmas, and even then, we aren't afraid to gift used items. I've kept super careful records about my gift spending, and there is just no way we could have overspent. We knew my husband would be out of work for two and a half/three weeks unpaid. We know his hours will be cut back when he returns to work, so we have been doing everything we possibly can to keep ourselves from going into debt or getting behind on any of our bills. Insurance premiums and deductibles have gone up, power bill has gone up, internet bill has gone up, groceries cost more, and income is down. It's time to tighten the belts. 

I've posted every article of clothing that the kids and I no longer wear online to sell, hoping to make a few dollars. I have filled out countless employment applications and shopped my resume all over the place. Apparently its hard to re-enter the workplace when you've been out of it for more than 8 years. 

Maybe the last post had a lot more to do with stress and discouragement. "What else can I do God? I can't find work, and I can't make any more money appear. We have cancelled almost everything (still have internet and pay-as-you-go phones). What more do you want? I give up!!" 

I found myself wondering what to do. God has always provided for us, but it just doesn't seem like we can catch a break right now. If He isn't helping me get a job, what does He want? Where is my ever constant Provider? 

So this morning, we ran out of milk. And we really needed overnight diapers because the little man still hasn't mastered overnight bladder control. But there was no way for me to afford it. In fact, I spent the morning sending emails to our bill collector apologizing that we would be late on the bill we owe because we are $25 short. I was planning on returning a few stocking stuffers and found more clothes to post online. I started snapping pictures.... when the doorbell rang.

That's when God showed up in the form of a man with a substantial check. Then as a substantial gift card in the mail. All in one day... 

The last few hours I've spent crying and praying, trying to catch my breath. Literally. God has shown Himself faithful once more. I can't help but feel guilty about my doubt. This is not the first time God has blown my mind in His provision. Why do I always forget that He cares? I'm not one to beg, I don't ask for help much because I always feel like there are others who are worse off than me, and who am I that I should deserve anything? 

But that's just it. I don't deserve anything. None of us do. 

Christmas becomes a time when we are thinking of gifts, food, family- and all of these things are great. Don't feel bad because you appreciate these things. But after today, I am reminded once more that the gift I received today was one from the God who provides every day. I have grace and mercy that I don't deserve because of the Son that was sent to a virgin womb. I have love unspeakable because of His sacrifice. There is not one iota of anything I have ever done or will do in the entirety of my existence that will measure up to what He has given me. I am so thankful for my relationship with God. I know I don't measure up and I never ever will, but it is humbling to know that I don't have to. He still loves me enough to make sure we are taken care of. And here's to hoping that I will stop allowing the fruitlessness of my doubt to linger. He has proven Himself faithful over and over and over.... endlessly. 

My Christmas has been amazing. And it's still two days away. Thanks God.

A lesson in humility

Yesterday I picked my daughter up from school, as usual. We got home, had after school snacks, and everyone was just relaxing. Then Miss Priss stood up and said, "Oh Mama, I gotta show you something." Typically that means she has an important note from the teacher about a field trip or school event.

Not this time. 

Miss Priss brought out a tube of toothpaste. She said the teacher gave it to her because she has stinky breath. 

Let me preface this. Miss Priss is now in the first grade. She managed to muddle through kindergarten with a few upsetting events, but she survived. And in the end, I found myself kinda proud of her. She did it! She overcame her supremely timid personality to make it all of the way to the end of the the kindergarten year. 

So back to the toothpaste. Of course, like most any parent, my first reaction was, "That's not true. It was probably just something the whole school was getting because of a dental health awareness event. Everyone in your class got that, right?" 

"No. Just me and a few other kids. Mama, I don't want to have stinky breath. I already brush my teeth and floss and use mouthwash. I really don't want stinky breath."

Miss Priss is really not prone to lying. I could tell she was kind of bothered, so I told her the teacher had to be just kidding.

"Mama she was NOT joking. I heard her say it. And everybody didn't get it so she must have been serious." 

So now I'm suspicious. It's too late in the day to call the school, and my mind starts going there. Why did she get toothpaste? We have well water, so maybe this was just something from the county school board office for kids with well water that need extra fluoride for good dental health. I would understand that. But then I let myself keep thinking on it. 

And let's face it. When we think on something we don't have all the information on, we tend to get it ALL wrong. ALL WRONG!!!

When I start devoting time to incomplete ideas, half stories, suspicions, etc, I almost always get it wrong. I dwell on it. And then my thoughts go to my childhood.

"Your breath stinks." 

"Your teeth look yellow."

"Cheetos teeth."

Trust me, I could list a million other things I heard as a kid from various places. But that's not important. The point here is that I was taking issues from my past and placing them on my child. My breath has probably never been the freshest. I have chronic allergy and sinus issues. I have acid reflux problems. Again, I could list several other reasons for why I've had bad breath- often having nothing to do oral health. It happens. It's just something you try to handle as appropriately as possible, but you can only use so much breath spray and gum. Am I right??

Then it became about my parenting abilities. "I make sure my kids brush their teeth. My children have great- excellent even- oral health!! Miss Priss was just at the dentist two weeks ago!!" I began to take it personally. That teacher must not think I do a good job.

Never a good place to be for a mother. 

So I started getting a little more bothered by the statement my daughter heard. I let it get the best of me. I went to Facebook and vented, and there were more than enough people willing to agree and encourage me to get ugly with the teacher. As soon as I posted my rant, I knew I should have been silent. For every comment that was encouraging a negative response, I replied with a diffuser. I got messages that truly helped me to see this as it was, and not take it to mean too much. Even still, I was getting mad and thinking I knew the whole story before I ever spoke to the teacher. 

When I woke this morning, I knew exactly what needed to be done. I started my day with prayer, which is usually my habit, and I asked the Holy Spirit to guide my every word. Put a damper on my mouth if I start to say something that misrepresents You. Thankfully, He did just that. 

I walked Miss Priss to class this morning, and asked her teacher into the hall to talk for a moment. I simply told her that I got the toothpaste that was sent home, but I just wanted to know where it came from. The teacher sort of shrugged and said some fifth graders brought it to her classroom for everyone in the class, and it was most likely from the school nurse. I told her I assumed as much, but that Miss Priss had mentioned something about stinky breath? Her teacher admitted that she did say this when one particularly feisty boy asked, and she meant it as a joke. She didn't realize other kids overheard, and said that she was so sorry that Miss Priss took it personally. 

So I thought the worst for a simple first grade style misunderstanding. The teacher did say it. Miss Priss took her seriously. And I found out as I picked her up today that the rest of the class actually received toothpaste Friday. Miss Priss was sent home early Friday because she'd had an accident with another student on the playground that resulted in a bloody nose and vomiting. So she didn't get the toothpaste until Monday. 

Everything was fine. All had been fixed. So why am I still feeling so bad?

Because I let it get to me. I let the enemy of all things good use my past to come at me. I began to think that the people at school must think I'm not doing a good job as a mom. They must think my kids are dirty. They must think we're too poor to buy our own toothpaste. They must think I'm stupid. Then I went to Facebook for further validation of my feelings. Bad idea.

Where should I have gone? That one's quite obvious in hindsight. I should have gone to God. 

Facebook is not God.

If Facebook were God, it would have told me this:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

Instead, I chose to think on what I only knew in part. What wasn't at all honorable. What was so unjust I almost let my confederate redneck flag slip out. It wasn't pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or praiseworthy. But I let myself go there. 

God, forgive me. 

I didn't get ugly with the teacher. I didn't use her name on Facebook, so few people have any idea who she is. I didn't report her to the principal or the school board. But in my mind, I let a one-sided story go all too far. 

I know I'm not alone. I've done it before. I pray it doesn't happen again, but I am, after all, human. 

God, 

Please change my thoughts. Remind me of how You see me, of how You see my children. Help me to focus on what You know to be true, not what I think, not what I hear, not what the enemy may be saying. Remind me of the armor You provide in Your Word. Remind me of the right way to think. The right way to act. Help me to see Your truth and not get caught up in simple mistakes. Guard my heart. Guard my mind. Let me focus on only that which is true, pure, excellent, praiseworthy. Commendable. 

Today I decided to delete my original post and instead post about how I am thankful for teacher who are willing to deal with moms like me- who get it wrong all the time. 

If you are reading this, and you just so happen to be an educator or on staff at a school or school board- thank you. Thank you for being merciful towards me and my kind. We only want to see our kids grow in every way while in your care. We are trusting you to educate, encourage, protect and provide for our kids when we drop them off in the morning. We are asking the world of you, but we really want to believe the best about you. Prove us right. We will be quick to let you know when you mess up, but hopefully, we will be just as quick to apologize when we are wrong, as we would expect from you. And for those parents who are a little lost, who focus more on their own desires and often neglect their children, thank you for loving on those kids who may have stinky breath, stinky butts, dirty hair, lice, cockroaches, fleas, etc. Thank you for being what they never see at home. You are impacting that child in such a way that you may be the very reason why they do not repeat their parents' mistakes.

And now I'm off to watch my husband dispose of the slug that just crawled out from under my son's car seat that was airing outside while I cleaned his seat cover of vomit from earlier today. Yep, it's nasty. But that's life. At least it's getting cleaned of the vomit. Must mean I'm not so dirty or nasty. And I'm choosing to focus on what's good. 

Changes, changes, changes

Remember my last blog where I said I was gonna start blogging regularly again?

(no comment)

Yeah- uh, sorry bout that!

There's been a lot of stuff going on, of course still adjusting to the new kid in town. His sleep schedule is finally starting to make sense, and last night he slept for 9 hours straight!! I didn't, since I'm so used to waking a couple of times a night to feed him, but it was nice to know that he can actually make it that long without eating!! We go Monday for his two month checkup and shots. I'm praying that the time change this weekend and shots don't mess with his schedule too much!

And as much as I don't really want to write this part, I have to say that I turned in my homeschooling hat last week. At least for a season. Lady M started public school on Monday because with a new baby, a preschooler and a 9 year old, lessons were getting a little long and she was becoming quite defiant. Her grades were dropping, so after praying a LOT, I realized it was time to put her back into what she calls "real school."

I went to the school to fill out the paperwork a couple of weeks ago, then scheduled a time for Lady M and I to go and meet with the teacher. Lady M is in 4th grade this year, but she was placed in a 4th/5th grade combination class. The teacher seemed great, stern enough to keep the kids in line, but also witty, so as not to come across as the "mean" teacher in school.

Monday was hard!! I had already planned that Miss Priss would spend the night with my mom since Lady M wanted me to walk her to class. Miss Priss does not like to get up, get ready, and go anywhere very early. So it was me, Lady M and Little Man, driving up to the school, walking in, registering for a visitor's pass, and taking that LOOOOOOOONG walk to Lady M's class. Ok, so it wasn't that long, but since I was about to leave my 9 year old in the hands of strangers again, it seemed like a death march to me. Lady M got to her class and stopped outside the room. She pointed and said, "There's my class." A few seconds later we walked in. She was greeted by her assistant teacher, Mr. Garner, with an outstretched hand. I looked at Lady M. Her head was down, arms tightly crossed, then finally her hand went out to shake Mr. Garner's. My mind was already thinking it was going to be a horrible day for her when I saw her stance. She marched to her seat without saying anything to me. So... I took the hint and left. I had parked the van on the street, and when I got in, it took me at least 15 minutes to leave. My mind was running a mile a minute, wondering if it would be okay for me to just stay there all day in case Lady M needed me. She could just grab up her things, bolt for the door, and come running outside to the van, and we'd make a fast getaway.... or if any creepy looking weirdos approached the front doors of the school, I would be the first to dial 911 and get to my kid before something bad happened.... but then I realized that I have a new baby in the backseat that was NOT going to stay in the van all day with me. I started to drive away.

About halfway home (it's only 3-4 minutes to the school from our house), I stopped at a stop sign and thought, 'I could just turn around and go get her!'. But I remembered that I had prayed about this and there was no reason why I couldn't trust God to take care of her, even if she only went to "real school" for a day. I made it to my driveway, pulled in, and then the waterworks started. At least I made it home before I lost it!!

I sat in my driveway for 15 more minutes, thinking about Lady M, what was she doing right now? Was she making friends? Was I going to be called to the school to pick up my child because she was such an emotional wreck? Would she still love me since I sent her to that horrible place? Was there a kid with a gun in her class?  The questions kept coming....

I finally realized that I could not sit and dwell on these things all day long. So I went to Kohl's for retail therapy (not really, I had to exchange a couple of dresses for Miss Priss). By the time I got home, I looked at the clock. 11:30. It was almost time for Lady M to go to lunch. She'd made it half the day. I'd not been called to come pick her up. There had not been anything on the radio about a crazed kid at large after running away from her school, or police being called to the school to handle a "situation". She must be doing okay...

When it was time for me to go pick her up, I sat in the line of cars forEVER!! I think every muscle in my body was tense because I was so sore on Tuesday. I finally made it up to the front of the school, and looked for my daughter to be slumped over and red faced from crying.... but she was standing there, waving, HUGE smile on her face!!

She got in the van, and I asked how her day went.

"GREAT!! I already have 2 new best friends and 2 boys in my class have a crush on me. The girl that sits beside me is one of my kindergarten teachers' granddaughters! Remember her? We got free ice cream today! And lunch was delicious, I wanna buy my lunch every day! We learned about...."

She survived!! It was okay!! I left my kid in the place that I had sworn for years I wouldn't send her back to, and she survived!! Not only that, she loved it! As we were driving away, I started to relax. I could do this. It was okay that she was going to school, "real school". I don't have to hate myself for not being able to be the best homeschool teacher right now. We can do this, even if it's just for 9 weeks. Or one month. Or 2 weeks. Or even the rest of the school year (gulp!). However long she needs to be there, I know now that she will be okay. God will be with her, whether she's here with me or at school with kids and teachers and cafeteria workers and custodians...and potentially even creepy looking weirdos. God will be there too. And I have to trust that HE is in charge, in control, and that whatever happens, if it's His Will, it will be what's best for her.

I think I learned more than Lady M this week ....

Stuff....

Since I'm working on something at the computer, I figured I could take a minute before rushing out the door to get Lady M from gymnastics to catch up...

Me, the girls, the hubby and Baby Bito are all still doing great. We've been fighting a losing battle in the last several weeks against our house. First the plumbing under the kitchen sink went out. I woke up one morning to a semi-flooded kitchen (fun, fun!!). So we tackled that project over the course of a few days, and decided to go ahead and replace our leaky kitchen faucet at the same time. Several hundred dollars later, and one project was done!

THEN- last week our well pump decided to quit on us. My husband was in the shower and apparently had just soaped up, when all of a sudden, the water cut off. He managed to get all the suds off before he climbed under the house to dirty himself again, checking the pressure on our water tank. The verdict- the entire pump had to be replaced. After about 4 trips to Lowes and nearly overdrawing our checking account, we got a new well pump and running water again.

(Anyone wanna buy our house yet???)

Since then, my washing machine takes about 3 hours to do one load of clothes if it's on the cold/cold setting, something apparently has damaged or clogged the cold water line. We took the inlet hoses off, and made sure they were clear (which they were), and we still can't figure out what the problem is. Oh well, I've been testing the tags on several garments to see if they can withstand a warm/cold cycle instead... so if you see us in real life and our clothes look a little shrunken, you'll know why :)

Oh- and my birthday was last Friday... and Mother's Day was Sunday. My sweet girls made me cards, and my "adopted" brother made me a chocolate cheesecake.... which I have been over indulging on since I got it Sunday :)

SOOO--- that's it for the most part. I'm 23 weeks along and trying my best to clean out the bonus room and guest bedroom so that Lady M can move and Baby Bito can have her old room. We'll see if it happens in the next 17 weeks... in the meantime, I'm praying something else on our house doesn't decide to stop working.... (please God, let our air conditioner keep working!!)

Until next time...

What matters most

 

This is the first time I've ever participated in Elizabeth's meme, but today I'm gonna write my lil heart out. Elizabeth's question today is:

Have you ever lost something...

And came out a winner?

My answer : a big loud resounding YES!!
I could list probably no less than a million things here, but who has time to read or write that?

Before I became pregnant with Lady M, I was living life like I was invincible. I was an alcoholic and drug user, and was completely set on a road that I should have never set even one foot on.

At eighteen, I graduated high school with honors, was headed to college with a music scholarship and had been accepted into the music program at UNC-G as a performance major, which was not an easy task. The summer between HS and college, I went on a missions trip with my youth group to West Palm Beach, FL, where, believe it or not, there is a huge problem with poverty and homelessness. We worked for a week with inner city kids, one of whom was determined they were going home with me, and I felt like my life had a purpose. For whatever reason, when I came home, something inside me shut down. I had been struggling with what doctors had diagnosed as a "panic disorder", which in hindsight was more likely the beginning of my brain tumor journey. I'd been put on medicines, but nothing was helping. I'd have spells where my vision would blur then go black, my hearing would be gone, and I'd pass out. Apparently while I was out, I'd hyperventilate, then stop breathing. It happened all through my senior year in hs (embarrassing), and then followed me to college. That same summer, I was working at Kmart and a friend had told me that if I smoked a cigarette, it would help with the "spells". So, me, the girl who HATED smoke and cigarettes, tried it. I felt a little desperate to get something to help with the "panic attacks". For whaever reason, it worked.

Maybe that's why I started questioning everything I'd ever believed.

Within a month, I was drinking more alcohol than anything else, had tried my first joint and LSD (not on purpose, someone spiked my drink ). Over the next 3 years, I experimented with much more, but nothing that I thought would be something I couldn't control. I quit college after almost 2 years, and started working full time and partying anytime I was off work. My drinking problem had grown into something bigger than I'd ever imagined. I was going to my friend's house every night with a large bottle of cheap vodka and orange juice and drinking the night away with screwdrivers. The fact that I looked older than my age was not a blessing at the time, but I sure thought I was getting away with something. I had more "real" friends at the time than I'd ever had in my life. I was cool, accepted, and desired. I thought I was having the time of my life, until one night when I'd had a lot to drink, and popped a few too many pills...

Frankly, I don't remember a whole lot about the night I got pregnant. I know that I was out with what I thought was one of my best friends for his birthday. We'd been close for years, and he seemed like such a valiant kind of guy to me. We barhopped to several places, before coming back to his house. What happened after that is fuzzy, but the end result was 2 pink lines.

When I found out I was pregnant, my world turned upside down. I got "morning sickness" before I'd ever missed a period. A coworker at the time asked me if I was pregnant, and I hadn't really even considered it. When I took a test and got a positive, it was all I could do not to just lose it. But I convinced myself it wasn't real. 6 positive pregnancy tests later, I couldn't deny it any more. The biggest issue was that I was still technically living with my parents, althought most nights I spent elsewhere. I was raised in a strict Christian home, which I see now as such a blessing, but at time time I was petrified of how my parents would react.  I couldn't tell them.

Finally, when I was almost 8 weeks pregnant, and had become so dehydrated that I could barely walk, I broke down.

"I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, I'll move out and get food stamps and Section 8 housing or live in a homeless shelter or whatever, I'm sorry".

My parents loved me regardless. Over the next week and a half, I was admitted to the hospital for "hyperemisis gravidarum". My blood pressure was 83/38 when I was admitted. I was in horrible shape, but at least I'd managed to quit drinking and everything else. After leaving the hospital 5 days later fully re-hydrated, I had to make a tough decision: I could not go back to any of the friends I'd had before. I'd lost touch with pretty much everyone from high school, and had no friends anywhere else, so it was just me, my siblings and my parents, working through all of this mess. I ended up losing my job, and drawing unemployment for my entire pregnancy.  But it all worked out, and I received the best gift a girl could ever ask for: Lady M.

So all of that to say this....

I thought I was living a great life. I could get any guy, I was envied by other girls, everyone wanted me as their friend... but when I gave up that lifestyle, I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined. I became a mother.

A day in the life of a not-so-Proverbs-31 woman

For the last few months, I've been going to a bible study at the home of my pastor and his wife on Thursday mornings. Ginger (the PW) has been doing a study on being a Proverbs 31 woman.

Can I just say, I am SOOOO not there yet?

I feel like every week I have a giant red glowing sign around my neck with the full bells and whistles that says, "I am not a good wife, I am not a good mom, I am not a good anything, I am here to be mocked and scorned."

Now, that's not to say that my lovely friend Ginger is doing or saying anything that should make me feel this way. Nor are any of the other sweet lil ladies that are in attendance.

I know it's just me and my own issues with being a stay at home mom.

The Proverbs 31 woman seems to me to be such an unattainable goal. I know, Beth Moore can do it. (Love you Beth!) But I'm telling ya what, it's truly a struggle for me to get out of bed somedays. For instance. our bible study was moved to Wednesday this week. So I got up bright and early, got the girls dressed and ready, then headed to Ginger's house. We left our house at  8:40, and arrived there around 9. The girls ran downstairs to play with the other kids while me and the other mamas stayed upstairs to study a new verse.
During our 30-45 minutes picking apart verse 17 to learn about how disciplined the P31 woman is, and how she gets up before the sunrise and goes to sleep after sundown and works in the fields and encourages her husband and praises her children and makes sure everything is in order and feeds her servants and buys fields with the money she makes from weaving whatever it was she wove and is a good steward of her money----  my kids came upstairs 7259 bazillion times. Another kid or 2 came up once or twice, but I spent the majority of the study as I have spent the others, running up and down stairs, trying to figure out what Miss Priss wants, or why she's screaming at her sister, etc, etc. This week I even dressed for exercise in my brown velvety pants and jacket with my good walking shoes. I knew how the morning would play out.

After we left Ginger's house, we went to the park. I had to kill a few minutes before it was time to take Boss lunch at work. We'd decided on Jersey Mikes, and there isn't one even remotely close to his work, so I had to stay in High Point. Lady M asked me 6 times in the 7 minute trip to the park, "aren't we supposed to be going to Jersey Mikes?", "Aren't we taking Dad lunch?", "Isn't Jersey Mike's that way?" "Why are we going this way? Aren't we supposed to take Dad lunch from Jersey Mike's??"

{There may be a small pile of my hair on the passenger's seat from the yanking and throwing that followed the questioning. I can neither confirm nor deny whether I actually have a new bald spot}

As we pulled into the park, I calmly stated, "Lady M, we have a little bit of time to kill between bible study and lunch, so I didn't want to drive home, then all the way back up here to go all the way back down to Asheboro to take lunch to Boss, so I thought this would be a nice way spend it."

We get to the playground and it is a mulchy muddy mess. Both of the girls have on boots, white long sleeve tees and jeans. By the time we left about thirty minutes later, we had wet nasty everything.

The park was a bad idea.

Miss Priss was screaming and crying, not ready to leave and not liking her wet mulchy clothes, and I was already a nervous wreck from feeling like a failure while reading Prov 31. We then went to Jersey Mikes, and when it came time to pay the woman behind the register asked, "Anything else for you?"

"Yes, if you have a few more arms and hands, that would be great," was my response.

She turned around and grabbed a giant box for me to put all of our food and drinks in. At least she somewhat got it.

We trucked down to Asheboro, where we had to eat in the van because of the Attack of Nasty Sugar Hungry Yellow Jackets. Needless to say our lovely lunch didn't last too long because no one likes to be stuck in a van that long.

After lunch, we kissed Boss goodbye, sent him back to work. I had to go by the Flowers bread store to get 200 hot dog buns for our church's Trunk or Treat on Saturday night. I left the girls in the van because I knew they would terrorize me with the treats in the bakery store. 17 bags of buns later, I'm back in the van, finally heading home.

As soon as I get in the door, my phone is ringing. It's my dear husband's sweet grandmother.

"Do you know where R is?" she asked.

{R is my father in law, not writing his whole name so people don't associate me with him. I mean, um, so I don't slander him with anything I write}

"No, I just drove by their house, his trucks were home, so I assume he is there."

Grandma: "Well, he was supposed to pick me up at 10 am and I've been trying to call him all morning but he isn't answering."  {It was almost 3 pm}

Me: "Hmm, well, I can try to call him for you if you want. "

Grandma: "That would be nice."

So I started calling, and calling and calling. My father in law does not believe in answering services or caller ID, even though he runs a garage from his home. So the phone rang, and rang and rang. I tried the garage phone, no answer there either.

I decided something bad may have happened because surely no son in his right mind would leave his 80+ year old mom at home without telling her why he couldn't come get her.

I went to his house {exactly one mile from my own}and banged on the door. No answer. I rang the doorbell. No answer. After trying to get some kind of response for 10 minutes, I was in the van AGAIN and on the phone to my hubby.

Boss of course thinks it's no big deal. He promises to keep trying to call him.

So I called Grandma back, and had no answer for her. She was so worried that something was wrong.

Twenty minutes later my phone rang. It was R, my father in law. His excuse was that a "customer came by this morning and I had to go look at his car."

I held my tongue, but my mind was yelling and screaming at him for being so insensitive to his precious mom.

I still had to make brownies, repair a halloween costume, make some documents for my sunday school teacher to go over when I got to church that night, take phone calls from my music minister to see if I've adequately recovered enough from pleurisy to sing tonight, get the girls ready for church, take a shower so I would be decent...

And this is just an example of a regular day in my life.

When do I have time to work willing with my hands, or choose fields, or bring food from afar, much less cleam my house, cook for my family, make sure the laundry is washed and ready to be worn, etc etc? And did you notice there was NO school lesson that took place?

So I have come to this conclusion...

I may not be a Proverbs 31 woman. I can't possibly juggle all of the things she juggled so perfectly. I may not have the most nutritious meal on my table every night, and my daugher may have to do her school lessons on her own somedays. My home decor may look a little less like Better Homes & Gardens, and a little more like a Toys'R Us catalog erupted on the floor, but I am still doing what I can to serve others. And in  doing so, I am serving God. Wednesday may not have been the best example of a clean heart in my serving, but I fully intend on asking the Holy Spirit to work on that.

Here's to my weekend of painting a giant piece of cardboard to look like an aquarium, going to Winston to see my brother, baking cookies, getting more stuff ready for the big kickoff to our sunday school November to Remember, dressing up Sarah Palin and my Tarheel cheerleader (who was a tarheel cheerleader 2 years ago but who's counting?), decorating the church for the Trunk or Treat, helping to set up the Sunday School bulletin board, making breakfast for the sunday school class, etc. I'm hoping I can have clean hands and a pure heart through it all.

Roots...

OK God I'm listening...

I have heard at least three different messages in the last week or two about how not forgiving people can lead to a root of bitterness in your life. Man oh man, how that's true. I know because I deal with that daily. I've noticed that my thought life has turned so much more negative in the last year or so, and I couldn't figure out why. I prayed and prayed, and now God is answering.

I don't think I'm a begrudging person, I don't uaually get hurt easily, I guess because I'm not terribly emotional. As a matter of fact, I'm much less like a typical woman in that way, and much MORE like a man.

(Let me pause here to say that I am not confused about who I am, I have no desire to be "transgendered" or anything like that, I am a GIRL, through and through, just like God made me and desires for me to be, so if you happened by here wanting to relate to someone struggling with those types of issues, you're not going to find it. But read on, maybe you need to forgive someone and get rid of that root, and it'll help you out with your "orientation" issues)

Now, on to what I was saying...

I find myself in that ugly old spot of thinking judgemental thoughts, or maybe critical thoughts, but not necessarily always trying to be what I've been called to be, a light to the world, the salt of the earth, reflecting the love and mercy of my Savior. Instead, I've been standing in the corner thinking those thoughts, you know the ones, like, "what were they thinking? that is just stupid", or "who told them they were good at that?" or "where do they get off thinking they're any better than me?" . And looky there, in my thoughts, I'm doing the same thing I'm complaining about in them.

Where does it come from?

Obviously, my sin nature, my flesh, is automatically inclined to be sinful. But through salvation, God is changing me, from glory to glory. So since I've struggled and struggled, I started begging God to show me how to rid myself of this horrid thought process I've settled on. And it appears I have some issues that I never resolved with people.

But that's the hardest part...

How in the world do I go up to those people and just randomly forgive them? How can I bring up the stuff that maybe someone didn't even know they did that hurt me, and then tell them I forgive them? In my human self, it's seems humiliating and totally irrational. But then, so does a lot of stuff God has asked me to do that I've actually done. Why does this seem so much harder?

Bottom line is this: It's a matter of pride. I have to open myself up, becoming vulnerable, and go to those people, some who I've not spoken to in some time, not because I'm avoiding them on purpose, but just because I don't see them regularly. I have to say, "you know, it's been a while back, and it's not really a big deal now, but when such and such happened or was said, it hurt me. And I've not forgiven and let go of this thing, so I need to tell you now, I forgive you." Now that I've written that out, it doesn't seem quite so hard.

I got some work to do, that's for sure... pray for me, that God will be my strength and allow me to lay these things down so that my mind may be transformed and conformed to His will.

AUGGGHHHH!!!!

I am FURIOUS!!! The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger, so I'm letting it out before I get ready for bed...

In case you haven't read any of my previous blogs, we recently had our debit card number stolen, and had some fraudulent charges on our checking account. We went to the bank, filled out the forms, the money was put back in our account. Then, on Saturday, we got a letter saying the money was put back just until the charges are investigated. If it appears they are legit, the money will be taken back out, and if it is indeed determined to be fraudulent, the money stays. I know for a fact it's fraudulent, I have no need to purchase Symantec software three times from Digital River, which is what the charges appear to be.

I was okay with all of this, a little frustrated, but not too concerned.
We had applied for new debit cards, which were supposed to arrive in 7-10 days. So I started looking for them on Monday, as it was a week after we reported and requested new cards. No cards.

Tuesday, no cards.

Just got home from church, and checked the mail on the way in. Hooray, my debit card is here (no more writing checks to "cash"!!). So anyway, I opened the envelope, and tried to activate the card. The automated system asked for my social security number. I entered it.

"The card number **************** and your social security number do not match"

I tried my husband's SSN, since this bank has failed to ever enter my SSN on any of our accounts.

"The card number **************** and your social security number do not match"

I tried my number one last time.

"The card has been blocked. Too many attempts to activate with incorrect social security numbers".

8D <---- (that's my sarcastic smile.)

Tomorrow morning, I will be moving all of our money to our other checking account.

I feel better now.

I know...

I need to settle on ONE background... but I think I'm gonna redo it all again this week, header and everything. You'll just have to come back to see...

Today we went around the world and back... what's that? That's impossible in one day, you say? Oh, you must not have the magical powers I do...

Lady M, Miss Priss and I took a day to celebrate our friend Jonathan's fourth birthday with his mommy Casey. We went to the Children's Museum, but were only there for a little more than an hour since I forgot they close at 12 on Mondays. OOPS!! So we went to Wendy's for lunch, then shopping at the best store ever, Targe' (pronounced with the 'g' as a 'zh' and an accent on the 'e') , or what normal people call Target. After that we went to the bowling alley because Casey said Jonathan loves to bowl, but really, SHE loves to bowl. Two games, with me coming in dead last, behind Lady M and Jonathan, even though the bumper guards were up. I never claimed to be a good bowler.

So, we were supposed to field trip to the zoo tomorrow, but we will have to double up on school lessons since we didn't get home until 5 something. We won't be zoo tripping tomorrow. Maybe next week, we'll see!

Tomorrow, if I have time, I might start doing what one of my newer blog friends, Tara ,  does on Tuesdays, what she calls "True Story Tuesday". They're always a good read, and I have a TON of things I could write about.

For those of us who like to pinch our pennies until they squeal... check out my friend Erin's blog about SAVING MONEY at Don't Pay Full Price!! You have to see how much money she saved at CVS, it will make you want to know her secret!! Dave Ramsey would be proud...

OH-one last plug, my friend Jessica does a Tasty Tuesday blog on Tuesdays that usually has a recipe for something yummy!

Ca-RAZY

That's what I would call today, maybe the whole week.

This morning, I slept late because the girls slept late :). It was wonderful. Lady M begged for pancakes for breakfast. So I started my pot of coffee, then got the batter mixed together. I walked away from the kitchen for a few minutes. I came back to check on the heat of the skillet and my coffee, only to find that I didn't put the coffee pot back in it's place. My counter top was COVERED in coffee, under the toaster and coffee maker, behind the coffee maker, ALL around my sink. Good start to the morning.

I started the pancakes, and threw a towel on the counter after moving EVERYTHING to soak up the coffee. The first two pancakes seemed okay, except I was a little heavy handed on the oil in the skillet, so they looked more like fried bread than pancakes. I poured in the batter for the next set of cakes, and moved back to the coffee mess. After going through four dishtowels and tons of paper towels, I got the mess under control. Checked the pancakes, a little darker than perfect, but still edible. I flipped them over.

When I placed the pot back where it belonged, there was still enough coffee stuck in the filter basket to run into the pot. "Great," I thought, "maybe I'll get some caffeine after all."  When I poured a cup, there were so many grounds in the coffee, I got a great idea. "I'll just pour it into another cup through a filter." I know!! I am that dumb. Of course,it was a basket filter, which doesn't fit in or over a standard coffee cup. All of the coffee poured in and through the filter and right back onto the counter. Mess #2.

Went back to the pancakes. BURNT. But you knew that already I'm sure. So I'm scraping the skillet, and debating whether to finish cooking the rest of the batter. My mom called about that time, and I told her everything that was going on. She laughed and said it must be almost that time of month. I reminded her that I'm always this klutzy and it's nothing to do with hormones.

While on the phone, I decided to try again with the filter and the coffee. Don't ask me why. This time I switched from a basket filter to a cone filter. And it worked! At least I thought it did, until I realized I poured the coffee in too fast and the filter just tore at the very bottom.  Full of black floaters.

I doctored the coffee and attempted to drink it anyway.

After I hung up with Mama, I puffed myself up, strapped on the boots again, and decided that I would not be defeated today! I finished making the pancakes and only had to throw out four more, and made a whole new pot of coffee. And this time I remembered to put the pot under the basket.

Add this to several trips to Boss's work, the bank, and various stores, church four nights this week, a visit to the reproductive endocrinologist, a birthday cake fiasco, and three females with severe congestion all in the same house...

So, here it is, two o'clock. I have to go to the grocery store, and the library. To all of those on the roads I take or the places I go today, I am not fit to be awake, much less out in public. If I happen to run into your vehicle, or drop something that breaks into a million pieces at the store, or somehow manage to upend a bookcase today, don't say I didn't warn you.

It's been somewhere around a month since I posted anything here... trying not to stay on the computer so much...

Let's see...

We've been out of school for a little more than a month now (PRAISE GOD!) Towards the end of our lessons I was thinking about possibly putting Lady M back in public school (like I think every year), but I went ahead and purchased curriculum for next year. We're gonna use Heart of Dakota's "Bigger Hearts for His Glory", and it looks VERY cool from what I've seen. I'm refusing to even begin planning lessons, etc until after VBS in August. I definitely need a summer break too!!

Boss has been working like CRAZY at his job, 80+ hours a week for the last three or four weeks, so he's VERY tired! He met with some of the "bosses" on Monday and told them he's gonna have to start getting at least one day a week off. He took Tuesday off this week (we went to the zoo), and it was his first day off in somewhere like 20 days! It's nuts! We've planned our vacation for the last weekend in July so he'll definitely be getting a much needed rest then, if only he'll turn off his cell!! His birthday is that week too, and I've planned a little weekend getaway for just the two of us, should be FUN!

This was week number 2 of trying to get myself back in shape. Last week I walked 2 days (I know, not that great), but this week, my sisters in law joined me and we walked EVERY DAY (monday thru friday). I can already tell that my energy level is much higher. Now if only I could kick my sweet tooth... baby steps!!

We've also started trying to potty train Miss Priss this week. WHAT AN ADVENTURE! Lady M was potty trained at 17 months, because she wanted to use the "big girl potty". She basically did it herself. NOT IVY! She's definitely not like her sister, she really enjoys being the BABY. We've really talked up this week, and made promises to put her in a "big girl bed" when she can start going to the potty. She's got this strange idea that she can't pee unless she's wearing something on her butt, i.e., diaper, pullup, panties, whatever. If she's bottom covered, she can pee. But once she's naked, she HOLDS it. I started the week with the go-to-the-potty-every-15-minutes technique, but that is NOT gonna work for Miss Priss. Up until this week, she screamed any time you tried to get her to sit on the potty. She's conquered that this week, since we moved her potty to a corner in the kitchen (it's not really that gross since she's not peed in it yet :) ). She doesn't like being in the bathroom and missing out on the action in the kitchen and living room. Anyway, this should be one crazy ride!! At this very moment, she's running around naked, two sippy cups full of fluid in her bladder, and I'm just waiting for the geyser to blow.

Last night, my sister and I went to see "My Sister's Keeper". It's a tear jerker! Very good movie, but VERY sad. I'm not giving anything away in that, it's obvious from the previews that it's an emotional movie. Anyway, I didn't get home til close to 2 am (for all you singles and young'uns, that's LATE) because we sat at her place and talked and talked and talked some more. It's so good to have the best family in the WORLD!!

Anyway, that's the general idea of what I've been up to. Staying away from this computer desk has been a goal that I've done fairly well to acheive this week. Hopefully I can keep making the changes that need to be made in my life. Maybe I'll try to write again next weekend :) We'll see...

Getting things done...

Today I woke up at my newly appointed wake up time after going to bed at my newly appointed bedtime last night. I moved my quiet time with God from night to morning (except maybe I'll still do night in addition) since the girls weren't up yet. Then I tackled my kitchen. YAY!! I really feel like I accomplished a lot today. I cleaned off the island in my kitchen, and my hutch, cleaned all the surfaces (which is a typical thing anyway), and piled all of the clutter into one container to sort thru. The FlyLady would be so proud of me :).

Then, I started cooking after the girls got up. First, I made my first ever cornbread in an iron skillet (just like my mama), but I'm kind of afraid to eat it because I think the cornmeal may have been old... no matter, I actually did it!! I must say, I am NOT a cook or baker, it's just not a natural thing for me, but most of what I make is good, so that's something. I had to take a little detour in my kitchen day to go to the doctor (for antibiotics, yucky sinuses), then on to the GROCERY STORE (I finally made it!!). When I got home, Miss Priss went down for a nap, Lady M started on her (delayed) school lesson, and I got busy making 2 HUGE pots of vegetable beef soup, and brownies from SCRATCH for Lady M's valentines party tomorrow!! I need to praise God now so that I don't get too big headed and proud :) I can do nothing good on my own, so He must have been really taking over my hands. The soup is nothing new, I've made it several times before, but the brownies were a first. In fact, they turned out so well, I have another batch in the oven right now as I type this.

Yes, I ran my dishwasher 4 times today... for real.

But I am so glad that my typically random self was able to get so many things done. I even washed all my kitchen rugs without forgetting to actually put the rugs in the running washing machine, AND I didn't forget I had things cooking and burn them... except maybe I didn't stir the soup enough and it was a little burned, but not so much it was ruined.

I am praying God will make tomorrow as FRUITFUL in my home as today has been. It's been great!!

Christmas card madness

The craziness of the holidays has already begun... my calendar looks like a war zone (literally)... Saturday will probably be my last dinner/event free day until Christmas. So I've been trying to take it easy and catch up on the major housecleaning things this week (HA!) . Last week I got so behind because it was terribly busy- preparing for the church block party, doctor appointment for me, quick trip to the dr for Miss Priss due to an allergic reaction, church, more block party prep, Night of Refreshing with Marc B. and Vanessa at Living Way Church in Gbo, baby shower, block party and Bringing Home the Prodigals conference with the ladies (and 2 gents)... TOO MUCH STUFF!

Anyway, as I was saying, I had tons of laundry to get caught up on Tuesday (Monday was my Sabbath :) I needed rest- and some Hobby Lobby time), but I realized the water pressure in my washing machine was slow. That means one of two things - a) a water leak under the house (not what I wanted to deal with), or b) the washer inlet line was clogged. Since we have well water, I have to clean the screen on the inlet hose pretty regularly. So I checked the screen, cleaned it, and when I fastened it back to the hookup, a leak started at the thing that screws to the other thing (technical, i know). So no laundry done then...

Wednesday, we went to Lowes Hardware bright and early for new hoses. I had to wait for Boss to get home from work (bout 2:30) to get the hoses replaced. ( I could have done it myself, but they were a little different than the originals, without a screen filter).

Since the girls had their pictures scheduled for this morning, I had to make sure all the parts of their outfits were ready (that meant washing/ironing a couple of things). Plus, Lady M was screaming about not having any pants to wear to AWANA. Anyway, I threw all hers and Miss Priss's jeans/dark clothes into the washer. When I pulled the load out of the washer, I found a very chubby orange crayon... and apparently Miss Priss has found her pockets.... I inspected the clothes before putting them in the dryer and only saw one pair of "play" pants had a little orange on them.

Our appointment was at 9:30, but they didn't get started until around 10:45... (way to go portrait innovations). So Miss Priss was MISERABLE, ready for a nap and not wanting her pictures made. They did the Christmas shots first, which turned out okay, then the "not Christmas" shots in different clothes. As I was getting the girls dressed, I noticed a small orange mark on Lady M's shirt, then another, then a bigger one... and on her pants, orange spot on the back pocket, on one thigh in the front.... Yep, the crayon assaulted everything, but apparently it only shows up when it's DRY. Because Miss Priss was an absolute bear by this time, we came away with a lot of Lady M pics, and maybe two of Miss Priss alone. Next year I'm going to call as 5 different families to reserve times so that we won't have to wait so long!! It was crazy!

I'm hoping to get a few things done before next week's activities... Sunday- church thanksgiving dinner, Monday- SS class dinner, Tuesday- prayer, Wednesday- hopefully no church, cooking, Thursday- 3 family dinners, Friday- maybe nothing???, Saturday-birthday dinner with Erin and Shane... and don't even ask about the next week... parties and christmas plays already... the term "stay at home" mom is such a joke!!

Oh well--- I secretly live for this kind of stuff... Stress and craziness is what I've known forever... I guess that's part of the reason I love the holidays!!! :)

Life in overalls...

(reposting from my facebook note)

The last few weeks have been a different sort of time for me. Very high, very low, very much a rollercoaster! My perspective on life in general has taken a turn in another direction, hopefully one that will be less clouded and cluttered. Experiences and lessons have allowed God to show me so many things that, right now, I'm doing my best to remember and apply it all.

Since I'm learning and changing, I've decided that part of my cluttered view comes back to how much I focus on "me". Now, if you know me at all, you know I've never been one to spend too much time caring about my outward appearance. I go through phases where I may take a little more time for such things, but really, I'm a low maintenance kind of girl (and no, that has nothing to do with hygiene... i'm still a very clean person... lol). But as of late, I've noticed that my opinion of myself "physically" has become much more of concern. I've gained weight this year (pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant...), and since I've never had a "weight problem", it's become sort of an obsession. Do I look fat in this? Do I need to change my hair because my face is fatter? How much does this cling to my "problem areas"? It's not something I've ever done too much of before...

So, since it's become such an issue, I've decided I will wear overalls. All the time. Not to sleep in, of course, but pretty much any other time. My only exception will be on Sunday mornings, to church, because I'm on stage for a little bit. I don't think it would matter if I wore overalls, but it's not my intention to offend. Wednesday nights will be in overalls. Grocery trips, in overalls. Field trips with Lady M, in overalls. To the doctor on Friday, in overalls.

My reasoning is pretty simple. First, overalls are comfortable. It's true. And I've never been one to wear things that aren't comforable. Second, overalls hide most of my problem areas. Since I can't take down all the mirrors in my house (although I'd LOVE to), at least now as I pass, I am not seeing the things that were causing such a bitterness towards myself. It's really freeing :). I think the main reason is because I have no desire to be distracted, or one who distracts people. from the important things. That may sound like a haughty or pretentious statement, like "eveyone has always envied me" or "i'm better than everyone", but that's not my intention. I myself have struggled in the last year with comparing myself to others. I found myself shopping for more clothes, more "things" that may make me look more like those who I was envying. Yep, I'm confessing. I didn't go overboard, or start using credit cards again, but I was getting distracted. Because when I see those people, looking so "put together", I was taking my focus off of God. Not only that, I was neglecting to look past their outside to the needs in their lives. I found myself thinking, " What do they need? They have it all!" But no one ever has it all, no matter how much they paint that picture for us.

I've seen the impact it makes on my girls for me to make a fuss over what I wear, or how someone else looks, and frankly, I don't want them to be a part of the mess we live in. I know they're sinful too, but if I can be an example of how to be in and not of the world, then I'm doing that much more to be a good steward of my kids.

God calls us to be set apart, and I know that doesn't mean to wear overalls all the time, but if that's what it takes for me to be able to focus more fully on Him, so that He can continue renewing my mind, I'll be more than happy to wear overalls forever. So until I see a reason to change my wardrobe or God tells me to do otherwise, I'll be wearing overalls 6 and a half days a week. I'm cleaning out my closet, so that I'm no longer distracted with the question of "what to wear? what to wear?"

Joy, blessings and love...

mountains and valleys...

i'm back from charlotte/concord and the seminars4worship conference. it was such an AMAZING time! i really went with no idea what to expect, but saw God's Hand at work in so many places, and heard His Voice whispering to me, "this is why I wanted you here" over and over again. it was like a slice of heaven, literally, being with so many people who have a passion to know God on such an intimate level, and to truly WORSHIP Him... it was the peak of a mountain top...

and today is back in the deepest valley. i went for a routine OB exam, as i'm 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant. and once again, my precious baby's heart has stopped beating, apparently around 11 weeks, just like earlier this year. my heart is broken, and i don't understand what is going on... tomorrow would have been my due date for the third life i was blessed to conceive. and thursday will be the day that number four will be "removed", as my body never knows how or when to let go of a child. and as i write this, with tears welling in my eyes, i'm still praising my God. He is the one who is holding my babies in His Almighty Arms. He is the Author of Life, His Holy Spirit is my Comforter. He ordains the days of each individual, and i know that His ways are higher than my ways (Isa. 55). my heart still sings for Him alone, because i know that when i enter His Awesome Presence, the wounds my heart bears so heavily now will be fully healed. and i will be given the honor of seeing how He saw fit to take my babies back to be with Him instead of walk on this earth. He has decided to spare them the pain of our sinful world, and while i can't possibly fathom why He would choose me to be used in this way, i count it an honor to know that He allows me this to strengthen me, and to make my dependence upon Him even more desperate. right now my heart is singing a song I think our old music minister wrote:
in Spirit and Truth, we will worship
in Spirit and Truth, we will praise
in Spirit and Truth, we will humble ourselves
and dance upon the mountain of God.

and as i get ready to try to rest, i send all my love to the sacred little ones that i won't get to hold, because you are now entrusted fully unto the care of the Most Awesome God... i love you both and pray that God will find you the best heavenly foster moms until i get there to show you how much i care...