I made it!!

That's right, I am posting a blog close to midnight on FRIDAY night, so I've still blogged every single day for National Blogger Month (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, go here) . I am not writing about anything too terribly important tonight because it's been a LONG but fabulous day. I went to the first day of the Women of Faith conference in Greensboro, and man oh man, was it good. I can't wait to get up early and truck over there for tomorrow. We had a few little mishaps, but overall the day was so wonderful. I mean, what could be better than a day full of worship, fellowship, and discipleship with your likeminded sisters in Christ?? Anyway, I will be posting a new soup for tomorrow, very early, in fact I may cheat and schedule a post... we shall see. I'm hoping to get some pics I can share, but that's only if I can get past the camera police in the coliseum (which is a story for a whole 'nother day).

So goodnight ya'll, hope you have a fab weekend. I know I will :)

Revival Fire Fall

It's never enough

(No True Story Tuesday today, I got more important things to talk about)

I've been sitting here for probably an hour now, reading blogs, thinking about what to write today...

I got a notice in the mail yesterday from our fine revenue folks for the state of NC. As you may recall, this past spring we were notified that we owed back taxes to the IRS, and the state revenue people. No, we're not wealthy millionaires that didn't want to pay, in fact it was quite the opposite. I had a long term disability policy that paid when I was out of work for surgery stuff, and our accountant told us we didn't have to file taxes on that because it was an insurance policy. Obviously, we know now that we should have, if we'd filed it then, we'd be seven grand closer to debt free. I digress...

So back to the notice I got yesterday. I set everything up at the very beginning, in fact, I was proactive and refiled our 1040s for 07 and 06 with the state before they ever caught the mistake. After I got their acknowledgment that we owe them money, I jumped right on setting up a payment plan. With the state of NC, it has to be set up as an automatic draft out of your account every month. Anyway, the notice I got said they'd received no communication from me, and no payments, so they were going to start with garnishments and liens.

Of course, I freaked out a little bit.

Okay, I freaked a lot.

They got their money last month, and I'm not sure why I got the notice. I spent most of the morning on the phone with the bank and with the state rev people, and found out that the notice was sent in error.

And that brings me back to my point for today...

Why am I so worried? What in the world could they do that God wouldn't see us through on? Why is it when we get some out of the blue money thing that comes up, we start panicking? I'm speaking to me more than anyone here.

God saw me through being a single unemployed mother, with very little income coming from the unemployment office. At one point in time, I remember I had a car payment due, and no gas to get anywhere, and NO money. Actually, I think I had somewhere close to $0.37.  I remember being soooo sick, and lying on the couch in my parents house, and just begging God, please, please, help me out. I know I cried and prayed for probably an hour, not knowing what to do, or how I was going to make it. My parents would have been more than willing to help, but I was so ashamed of where I found myself,  I couldn't bring myself to ask them for help. After all, they were letting their pregnant unwed daughter live with them, and they were taking such good care of me. So I cried, and prayed, and cried and prayed, begging God to hear me. For whatever reason, I got up and went to the mailbox. I guess I figured it would be a logical place to look for that special money God was gonna provide. Who knows? All I know now is that I sorted through the mail, and came to an envelope with my name on it. It was from my cell phone carrier at the time. I was still under contract and couln't afford to cut off service and pay the early termination fee. I just knew it was gonna be a biil, some kind of overage charge or something. But when I opened it up, there was a check inside for $212. My mouth dropped....

My car payment at the time was $196. I had just enough in that check to pay my car payment, and fill my tank with gas (this was in 2001, gas was cheaper!!). GOD PROVIDED!

And now, here I am, eight years later, and freaking out over something so unimportant. It's funny how easily we can forget those times that God brought us through. Seriously, I could write boat loads on how God has pulled me through the very toughest times, physically, spiritually, financially... and yet, when I got a notice that my home could be seized or my husband's wages shorted or our bank accounts frozen, all of that flew out the window. How quickly I forgot how good God has been to me...

A verse came to mind after I got off the phone with the revenue people. Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Even if I lost everything, even if I had no home, no family, no money, no clothes, no food, I can rest in the knowledge that because I love God, and because I've been called according to His purpose, something good is gonna come out of it. And for that, I am and forever will be willing to suffer whatever it takes. Because being comfortable with where I am in my relationship with Jesus is not enough, and it never will be. I will always want more of Him.

Roots...

OK God I'm listening...

I have heard at least three different messages in the last week or two about how not forgiving people can lead to a root of bitterness in your life. Man oh man, how that's true. I know because I deal with that daily. I've noticed that my thought life has turned so much more negative in the last year or so, and I couldn't figure out why. I prayed and prayed, and now God is answering.

I don't think I'm a begrudging person, I don't uaually get hurt easily, I guess because I'm not terribly emotional. As a matter of fact, I'm much less like a typical woman in that way, and much MORE like a man.

(Let me pause here to say that I am not confused about who I am, I have no desire to be "transgendered" or anything like that, I am a GIRL, through and through, just like God made me and desires for me to be, so if you happened by here wanting to relate to someone struggling with those types of issues, you're not going to find it. But read on, maybe you need to forgive someone and get rid of that root, and it'll help you out with your "orientation" issues)

Now, on to what I was saying...

I find myself in that ugly old spot of thinking judgemental thoughts, or maybe critical thoughts, but not necessarily always trying to be what I've been called to be, a light to the world, the salt of the earth, reflecting the love and mercy of my Savior. Instead, I've been standing in the corner thinking those thoughts, you know the ones, like, "what were they thinking? that is just stupid", or "who told them they were good at that?" or "where do they get off thinking they're any better than me?" . And looky there, in my thoughts, I'm doing the same thing I'm complaining about in them.

Where does it come from?

Obviously, my sin nature, my flesh, is automatically inclined to be sinful. But through salvation, God is changing me, from glory to glory. So since I've struggled and struggled, I started begging God to show me how to rid myself of this horrid thought process I've settled on. And it appears I have some issues that I never resolved with people.

But that's the hardest part...

How in the world do I go up to those people and just randomly forgive them? How can I bring up the stuff that maybe someone didn't even know they did that hurt me, and then tell them I forgive them? In my human self, it's seems humiliating and totally irrational. But then, so does a lot of stuff God has asked me to do that I've actually done. Why does this seem so much harder?

Bottom line is this: It's a matter of pride. I have to open myself up, becoming vulnerable, and go to those people, some who I've not spoken to in some time, not because I'm avoiding them on purpose, but just because I don't see them regularly. I have to say, "you know, it's been a while back, and it's not really a big deal now, but when such and such happened or was said, it hurt me. And I've not forgiven and let go of this thing, so I need to tell you now, I forgive you." Now that I've written that out, it doesn't seem quite so hard.

I got some work to do, that's for sure... pray for me, that God will be my strength and allow me to lay these things down so that my mind may be transformed and conformed to His will.

refreshment

i've been struggling for a while with some things in my life. i read back to my blogs around this time or so last year, and i'm longing for the closeness that i had with God then. it seems i've settled in a desert, and frankly, i don't think i've made much of an attempt to get out of it. the summer was a great time of joy for me, as i saw parts of my life flourishing as they never had. but even in that joy, there lingered a sadness, something deep and ... unknown, really. i think it's an accumulation of things that have just piled up over time, and instead of looking them in the face and dealing with them, i've just decided that being "busy" would distract me from such things. the truth of the matter is that i've dug myself into a hole, and pushed away a lot of people in the meantime. it's been necessary to sort of become "isolated" if you will, so that i could get to this point of desperation...

now i'm at the point where something HAS to give... and i feel God is drawing me back to that place of sitting at His feet and resting in Him. i know it's His desire that we remain there, but i think i started running when He started trying to peel away layers that i wasn't quite ready to deal with. now i see that it will be painful, but since He is my Healer, it will be much better on the other side of this, whatever it is. it can't be any more painful that bottling and holding on to things...

so here's to a new beginning, a something "new", if you will, in my life... i do covet prayers of anyone happening by this blog, as i am ever and always in need of them :)

Who's at the wheel?

I just have to say that God has been doing some awesome things in my life and in my family recently. Have you ever just realized that, 'WOW, God really has been working on these things, the ones I was so worried about, the ones I thought I could fix or could "help out" with, and He has done it all, without me controlling the situation, despite my busy mind and busy life, HE is still the one who can turn things around'. I remember just a few years ago, thinking that some things were beyond repair in my life, but holding out just a smidge of hope that God had other plans, and BOY did He ever!! Thanks GOD!!

Last year when I was in Concord/Charlotte at the worship conference, I was in a seminar taught by Glenn Packiam of New Life Church in Colorado. He was explaining how we sometimes are thinking we are "helping" God, when in fact, we're just in the way. He said it's kind of like when he's checking his email and trying to respond. His little daughter would come climb up on his lap and peck-peck-peck at the keyboard, telling him that she is helping him send his email. He said he would just sit and wait, smiling, telling her thank you, I appreciate your help..... but as soon as she would walk away, feeling sure of herself because she was helping, he would have to hit delete-delete-delete, smiling all the while, knowing that his daughter had the best intentions, but that what she'd typed had not been what needed to be said. Isn't that just like us? I know it's like me. I tend to think that I can be in control, and if I can't step in and help such-and-such person, or fix this situation, well, it's just not going to get done. Or maybe it won't be done as fast or as well, either way, I HAVE to be involved. It's not that I am trying to be God, at least not on purpose, but sometimes I think my desire to serve Him becomes more of an "okay God I got this one, You can trust this to me" situation. And even as I type this, I realize, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm telling God I can do something without Him. Hello, can we say, PRIDE?!

Today, God's working on my strongholds, and I'm praying that as my life and heart is opened more by those chains falling away, that His Holy Spirit will invade every part of me, that my life will be more of what HE wants, in HIS time, not because I'm the first person to volunteer, or the most eager to get busy, but because HE is in control of ALL parts of me, leading and guiding me to follow Him where HE is at work and where HE wants me to be.

This has been a different kind of week! We found out on Wednesday that Miss Priss has pneumonia, after 2 doctor trips and a near visit to the ER by ambulance (my only reason for not going was that the last time we have to venture to the ER we spent six hours and about $200 on nothing at all). Last week, on Tuesday night, she had a pretty high fever, but Wednesday morning she woke feeling fine. Her temperature was just a bit above normal (between 99 and 100 degrees) the rest of the week, but she acted normal and had no symptoms. Then Sunday night, her fever was back to 102.8 degrees. So Monday morning, we were at the doctors office, and I was told, "She has a virus". Tuesday night, after a bath and over 24 hours of a high fever, her lips started turning blue, she was jerking and thrashing trying to catch her breath, wheezing and making other weird noises in her breathing, so of course, I was terrified. My husband was working (very) late, so I was there by myself with both Lady M and Miss Priss. I debated calling an ambulance, but decided to call my parents instead. They came over (it was about 10 pm then), and stayed with us until Miss Priss's breathing regulated and Boss came home from work. (Kudos to my awesome parents!!) So needless to say, we were at the dr office on Wednesday morning. The doctor checked her ears, nose, throat, and listened to her chest and heart, not finding anything wrong except a rapid heartbeat, so they did blood work and took a urine sample. Sweet little Miss Priss was a trooper through it all, not many kids will stay still and keep their crying to a minimum while a nurse fishes around in their arm for a good vein. After still seeing NOTHING out of the ordinary, the doctor sent us for chest xrays. Thank GOD she had enough wisdom to do this. Miss Priss's entire left lung was full (upper and lower lobes). So we've been housebound since Wednesday, and have been doing a lot of NOTHING.... while tomorrow we have 3 birthday parties, a women's meeting, and a wedding to attend, plus a housewarming party to throw for my sister.... SORRY we won't be attending all of these!! We're gonna shoot for 3 out of the 6 things to do, hopefully it won't be too much on Miss Priss, who is doing sooooo much better. God's so awesome in how he heals little people so quickly!! I'm praying that we will not have any more scares like this EVER again... and that the follow up appointment next week and chest xrays in the weeks to come will be PERFECTLY clear.

Today has been more of a day of rest for me than I've had in a while... holidays are always hectic, but I'm still basking in the glow of all last week held. Tuesday the girls and I went to Hanes Mall for the free John Waller concert... it was AMAZING! He sang a song called "Our God Reigns Here" and I could feel Jesus cleaning that place up all thru that song... talk about warfare!! Go listen to the song on his myspace page, www.myspace.com/johnwaller.

Thursday I was at LJVM Coliseum for about seven hours, volunteering for the Chris Tomlin/Israel Houghton concert. Reminder to self: never take new routes to places you aren't that familiar with. I ended up talking to Bonnie from WBFJ to direct me how to get away from wherever I was and to the Coliseum. Turns out, I didn't have to do anything once I got there, but still got to see the show for free, which was fabulous!! I've never heard much of Israel Houghton's music (at least being performed by him), but he has such a talent in singing and songwriting.... and of course, Chris Tomlin's talent goes without saying... it was a night of worship much more than it was a concert.

Friday was busy busy busy, took Miss Priss to Mom's house, Lady M to her LIFE classes, then went to lunch with Brandy, doctor's office for some meds (sinus infection), shopping for Easter baskets, then back to pick up Lady M, Miss Priss, and HOME. I was home for about an hour before my sister came to pick me up for a girl's night out, which was fun, but probably not nearly as much fun as it would have been had we both gotten more rest earlier in the week!! Whoever said that being a "stay-at-home mom" was easy???

Saturday we had 2 Easter egg hunts to go to, and Miss Priss had a meltdown midway thru the second one. We politely ran for the van and took off to Carter Brothers for an early supper, then home to get the girls ready for bed... I ended up taking an hour long bath (which I never take time for baths, I'm much more of a shower kind of girl), but I pulled out every indulgent bath thing I could find, lighting candles, soaking until the water got cool, then turned on the jets to warm it up a bit again, listening to my Kari Jobe CD and just resting... oh, it was SOOOOO nice.... I need to make myself do that more often!!

Then of course yesterday was RESURRECTION DAY!! PRAISE THE LORD, HE IS RISEN!! Too bad I forgot to clean up my camera memory card, or I'd have some pics.... I had to be at church at 8 (we didn't bother trying to get to the sunrise service) for practice, then we had breakfast at 9, and an awesome service at 10:30. I have to say that I asked for prayer last Tuesday for something very specific, and God is so very much at work in that very place right now, I saw His Hand moving yesterday, and I can't help but give Him the glory and thank Him again for His matchless grace and mercy. I'm still so in awe of who He is and how much He adores us. It's more than my mind can ever grasp....

Anyway, this week's already filling up with activities and fun stuff, so let's hope I don't forget to stop and pay attention to God's voice and where He's leading... I pray I never become so busy that I ignore Him... He's all I could ever want!

Slapped, beaten, stomped.... and VICTORIOUS!

It's ON!!

Apparently I'm making satan mad. He's doing everything in his measly little power to try to hit me in my weak spots. Where to begin?! Let's see...

Example 1:

December- I had a follow up MRI at Duke, where I was told that the brain tumor has not changed any, which is GREAT news. Then, the following week, I got an email, stating that the record was available online. So, out of curiosity, I checked it out. It confirmed that there had been no change in the tumor, but did bring up something that was initially brought up in an MRI in July 2004. At that time, it appeared then that I developed an aneurysm as a result of either the surgery or the tumor. Regardless, I was sent for a CTA, and after many many many phone calls and some nasty responses by his office staff, I finally got a response by the PA that it is "not an aneurysm, but a bulbous dilatation in the artery". Here is where you stop and go look up the definition of an aneurysm. Go ahead, I'll wait....Yep, sounds like the definition of an aneurysm to me too... So I continued to pester them until I got a letter from the neurosurgeon saying, and I quote, "I have reviewed your CTA. It is not an aneurysm. This is good news." Now, back to December... when reviewing my records, I see that the radiologist's impression notes state the following:

"Aneurysmal dilatation of the supraclinoid left internal carotid artery
flow void. These findings correlated with those described on the prior
written report from a CTA dated 7/28/2004. Recommend further evaluation
with followup CTA of the circle of Willis to assess this abnormality for
interval change."

And of course, none of this was brought up in my appointment, and there is no note on record that my doctor recommended a CTA. So, I became my own health management coordinator and decided to find me a primary care doctor that could review all of this and see what she says... and long story made a little less long, today, I had the follow up CTA in High Point instead of Duke. Hopefully, they will be able to see something and let me know if this is something that needs treatment or not. Regardless, I have seen how satan was trying to trip me up, sneaking in his little arrows about "what happens if..." and "I'm worried that...", and I've been holding up my shield, wearing my helmet, and those tiny little arrows have been bouncing right back at him and his little friends. I serve Jehovah Rapha, the Lord that Heals, and he is the Great Physician. If I have a physical affliction, He will heal me in His perfect time, even if that means in physical death. But I have NO fear or worry in that. Psalms 121 says, "I will lift my eyes unto the hills? From whence cometh my help? MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!!". Score one for GOD!

Example 2:

Last week, I noticed when talking on the phone to friends of mine, it sounded as though there was someone else on the line. We've been having a static-y line for a while, so I didn't think much about it, just added it to my list of "things to deal with". So as I was talking to one friend, they suggested maybe my phone was being tapped, jokingly of course. To which I replied, "well, that would be illegal, because to tap a phone, one has to voice that they are indeed recording, or there must be an audible beep." And that was the end of that... until the next day when I was on the phone again, and there were 3 very loud, very audible beeps on my phone... so I'm not sure who's tapping my phone or why, but it became obvious then.

Jump ahead a couple of days to Friday night, when I was in the shower. As soon as I got out, my husband, Boss, asked me if I saw the police lights thru the bathroom window. No I didn't see them. He said he'd gone out to his truck for something and there was a police car in the driveway up to the cell tower bordering our property, and there was an officer and another man looking thru the woods with flashlights for something. Of course, Boss didn't ask any questions, but was clearly a little unsettled by this. Apparently they left before I got out of the shower....

The very next day, Saturday, Lady M was outside playing, when she came running in, scared. She said there was a man and what looked like a young teenage boy standing in the woods beside our driveway, looking for something and whispering. I told her not to go back outside. And of course, since I was the only one home with the girls, I just locked the doors and stayed inside. I probably should have called the police or something, but God's been keeping me from getting scared (which is my normal knee jerk response to the slightest weird thing... THANKS GOD!!). Anyway, nothing else has transpired, but because I know that I have been so very petrified at times before of even being alone in my house (part of a hyper vigilant thing, from brain surgery stuff), I also know that satan knows this. And he thought he could get me with that.... here's what I have to say to him in response.... "For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND". Score two for God...

Example 3:

Because of the brain stuff, I now am a stay at home mom. My former employer recommended that I file for Social Security disability following the 2nd brain surgery. Thankfully, I also had short and long term disability insurance. So I filed for SSD, while getting paid thru disability insurance. During this time, I was advised by our friendly accountant that because this is a paid for insurance, I did not have to file taxes on it. And last year, I was approved for SSD, which meant I received a lump sum backpayment, which I in turn paid back directly to the disability insurance carrier. And I thought all that hassle was over, until I checked my mail today.... where I received a notice from the IRS that we owe $XXXX amount of money to the IRS because of income that was received and never filed in 2007. I will admit, my heart jumped a little and skipped a beat when I saw this, but then I realized it was just another poor attempt to tear me down.... there are so many more things I could list as example here, but these are freshest on my mind right now...

So here's the deal. I'm gonna be blunt with you satan. you have tried over and over again to tear me down, but God will not give you power over me, and thru Him I will not back down. You may knock the wind out of me, slap me and spit in my face, but MY GOD WINS!!! I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR THRU CHRIST JESUS WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!! WITH GOD WE WILL GAIN THE VICTORY, AND HE WILL TRAMPLE DOWN OUR ENEMIES!! HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD!!! in case you didn't catch that, in the end, WE WIN!!!

I LOVE this....

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:

all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,

the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8.

I totally forgot...

to do a Thursday Things blog...

Yesterday we were at the Rol A Rink in High Point for a homeschool group Valentine's Party. Lady M and Miss Priss had fun, and it was nice to sit around and chat it up with some moms while our kids were skating and running around like lil' crazies. When we left, we stopped by the south end Walmart, which I affectionately refer to as the "GhettoMart", only because it's been a rare occasion that I've been there without seeing someone stuffing an item under their shirt or in their pants and leaving the store. It's almost as if the employees are wanting to see how many items a person can get into their clothing without being noticed by a greeter. Anyway, I was there on a mission to get some index cards and a lil' binder for them, and some wire racks to reorganize my cabinet space. (which I did when I got home and surprise, I don't open the door to get hit in the face with a sippy cup now!!)

Now that I've fully supplied my excuse for no blog yesterday, on to today's musing...

Have you ever wished that you could know what people really think about you? I know we aren't to concern ourselves with what people think, but sometimes I think it would be really nice if you could peel back the layers of a person's mind and unlock their brain to see exactly what that person thinks of you. There's this application on myspace, called the "truth box", where people can write anonymously what they think of you. I added it to my old page a long time ago, and after about 6 months on my page, I only got one note. You would think that since you really are anonymous, you would be able to get something out of people, but NO. Why is it that we don't speak our minds more often?

I've picked up in conversations that I've had in the last few months that I am perceived apparently as too talkative and quite bossy. I had no idea!! Neither time was it actually something that I think the person meant as an insult or even knew I picked up on, but I did, and I'm actually thankful. I would LOVE it if people would just BE HONEST. If I have a character flaw that needs work, I welcome someone to tell me. I do have a couple of friends who are bold enough to check my behavior at times, and I love them all the more for it. We are supposed to hold one another accountable aren't we? So if we are acting in ways that are sinful, or maybe could mislead someone to question faith in God, then why don't we talk about it? Yes, it may hurt, yes, it may be something you don't want to realize about yourself, but quite frankly, it would be so much better to know that I'm acting in a way that is a "stumbling block". It's kind of like that stinky kid at school, that everyone talked about, but no one told him/her they stunk. WHY? How else are they supposed to do something about it if they don't know? We're too sensitive and PC nowadays... I think it impairs a lot of our relationships and it's stunting us as followers of Christ as well.

Child like faith

Every morning, it never fails. Whether I'm awake or asleep, about 7:45 am, I hear this sound,

"Mom.... Moooom.... MOOOOOM...................Mom.....Mom.....MAAAAA"

Miss Priss has the habit of calling for me when she wakes up. It's never screamed, it's never worrisome. No tears accompany the sound, just her steady call. I've left her to do that before for more than 20 minutes (sometimes you're in the middle of something you just can't stop). But it never gets louder, never gets more urgent.

She always knows I'm going to come and get her. It's just a matter of her calling.

I'm a couple of weeks into the Beth Moore study, Stepping Up: The Psalms of Ascents. Yesterday was Day 5 of the second week, and it ROCKED my world. It was the second day of looking into Psalm 124. Beth really focuses on how even those of us who are Christians and have deeply studied the Bible still have that place in our hearts, secret though it may be, where we just maybe can't really believe that God is and will always be on our side.

WOW....

I must admit that I got a real smack in the face when I was studying this. You know, I became a Christian when I was six years old. It was forever ago, and yes it was for real. I knew there was a change in my heart, and it was the most important thing in the world to me, so much so that I got called down in my first grade classroom for telling everyone about it. I knew God was the best thing in the world, and nothing could take that away from me.... only later I found the only thing that could take that away from me was me.

With a past that is less than desirable to think about, much less write about, I realize now that even though I'd turned my back on Him, he was always there for me. He always cared about me. Even in those darkest times, when I hated everything about myself, He was still loving me like no human can even comprehend. HE was on my side, even when I wasn't on my side. Regardless of how I saw myself as a second hand throwaway, He was there, desiring for me to return to Him.

Yes, there have been times when I have been victim to things that NO ONE in this world knows of, and there have been many times when I've questioned how this could happen, without outright blaming God. But the thing is, God knew where I would be today, and how these things that He could have stepped in and prevented have changed me into the work He is making me to be. He knew that despite the fact that it may be painful now, in the end, it becomes beautiful.... what was meant for evil, God can use for good.

And add to that that He sees me as I truly am, draped in the white robe of Christ, covered by His blood. He knows what my flesh holds, the scars, the memories, the past... but He has made me a new creation.

If only we could remember that He's always there, on our side, ready to come get us when we can't make it out of a mess on our own. All we have to do is call...

Oh- to have the simple mind of a child, knowing that his or her parent will be there... no matter how long it takes.... God is always, unfailingly, on my side!

Things I love about God

In an effort to make myself write more on here, I'm gonna sit down every Thursday and do a new "things" list.... so without further ado....

Things I love about God

He's always there when I need Him

He loves me unconditionally

He is in control, which is so much better than me being in control!!

He sent His Son to die for me so that I can talk to Him without having to go thru a priest or sacrifice an animal. I can just accept Jesus as Lord, repent of my sins, and He listens to my every request... how awesome is that!!

He's the Best Friend anyone could ever ask for...

Vengeance is His :)

He cares about me, even when I'm being so small and petty....

He's the best listener ever

He made this beautiful world for me to enjoy His Handiwork

He has created me to be used for His Glory, which is still more than I can comprehend.

He has set me free to live victoriously in Him, without fear of death, or the enemy (because no weapon formed against me shall prosper, PRAISE GOD!)

He has made me more than a conqueror with Jesus on my side...

.... and it probably wasn't the best idea to start out with a list like this, because it could go on for literally ETERNITY, so I'll stop typing and continuing praising Him in my heart...

but I did accomplish a blog today :)

For such a time as this...

Just as Esther had to speak up with she didn't really want to because of fear, she finally broke the rules and did so to save her people. And just as Nehemiah, a mere cupbearer, saw a need for the rebuilding of the walls and asked to be excused from his duties to do it, despite the fact that he was not an appointed leader in the government of the time, nor was his title "wall builder", he still stepped up, spoke up and did what God was calling him to do.

And just as God has placed this call on my life, and has spoken to my heart, so have I spoken. I realize now that my God has more in store for me than simply fulfilling the vision He is calling me to do. He is also preparing me now for battle. It is the most difficult thing to know what God is asking you to do, and to be literally told, it's not going to happen. But no amount of flesh or works of the enemy can stop my pursuit to speak what God has asked me to speak, and to do what God has asked me to do. I will wait upon the Lord, and I will rest in the assurance that His timing is perfect. His Will is my desire. I will intercede on behalf of those who believe that this thing is not to come about, and I will rest peacefully in the assurance of the Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God that I am where I am supposed to be, for such a time as this.

May His name be praised for all eternity!!!!

On faith....

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

So God laid this big thing on my heart about two years ago, and I've been sort of sitting still on it until He told me to move... which started about November... yes, I'm being purposefully vague because.... well because I can! Anyway...

... you know, it's tough acting on faith. My "flesh" asks those questions like, "what if it was you and not God that came up with this?" and "why do you think you could do this? why would God think you could do this?" I find myself in that place that I've heard referred to as being a "navel gazing Christian", meaning that I can't lift my head because I'm so "unworthy". In my heart, I would like to believe that I am confident in who I am in Christ, but I do tend to doubt and question, much like I think most Christians probably do. I guess our adversary satan decides that he doesn't like it when we are following God in a truly blind faith kind of way, and he will do anything he can to knock us down.

I've not come across anyone that I've mentioned this "big God thing" to that was opposed to it, in fact, it's been well received and encouraged... until today. Today I spoke to a person whom I feel God has asked me to speak to about being involved in this "big God thing" and I was met with almost an "I can't believe you would ask me to do that and not this" kind of attitude. Frankly, I was absolutely stunned. Maybe it wasn't my place to say anything, but really, if you feel God is asking you to, shouldn't you speak up? I guess my shock comes at the fact that this person is an active member of our church and I thought would be thrilled at the asking. Maybe there was something more... and I've speculated like this allllll evening...what a waste of my time!!

So, again, coming to confess.... it's caused me to doubt again, when after tonight, I see that sometimes these things we are called to do will be met with adversity, and may not be as easy as we would hope... but then again, that's why it's called faith....

NEW YEAR!!

(copied from my facebook notes)

2008 proved to be a busy year for me and my family. From job loss, to two miscarriages, to new cousins and new "cousins-in-law", a new niece and a nephew who was born TODAY, it's been both interesting and trying. God has shaped my heart in a new way, chipping away the old, breaking it again to be shaped more like He wants it, and holding it when it hurts so much i think i can't bear it...

I'm so excited to see what will be of 2009, with a new president that has some agendas that I consider scary (but I'm praying for him nonetheless), and global events that are pointing to some pretty amazing things, biblically speaking, it's going to be a big year. On a more personal note, I'm anxious to see what God does in me this year. He's stirring my heart, and has placed a big dream (i guess you could call it) in me that is much bigger than myself. I'm totally unprepared and unequipped, but isn't that just like GOD? :) It will definitely be a learning experience for me to see how all this plays out, and how God will put all the pieces in place, but I'm just trying not to move too quickly on anything without fully knowing that it's His Will. Regardless, it will be stepping out in faith in a way that is bigger than I ever have before... so pray for me that I will hear His voice and have a certainty that it is indeed Him.

I hope that this year brings you all blessings that you cannot contain, and that you will come to know God in a very real way if you don't already. He is more than you could ever imagine....

Life in overalls...

(reposting from my facebook note)

The last few weeks have been a different sort of time for me. Very high, very low, very much a rollercoaster! My perspective on life in general has taken a turn in another direction, hopefully one that will be less clouded and cluttered. Experiences and lessons have allowed God to show me so many things that, right now, I'm doing my best to remember and apply it all.

Since I'm learning and changing, I've decided that part of my cluttered view comes back to how much I focus on "me". Now, if you know me at all, you know I've never been one to spend too much time caring about my outward appearance. I go through phases where I may take a little more time for such things, but really, I'm a low maintenance kind of girl (and no, that has nothing to do with hygiene... i'm still a very clean person... lol). But as of late, I've noticed that my opinion of myself "physically" has become much more of concern. I've gained weight this year (pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant...), and since I've never had a "weight problem", it's become sort of an obsession. Do I look fat in this? Do I need to change my hair because my face is fatter? How much does this cling to my "problem areas"? It's not something I've ever done too much of before...

So, since it's become such an issue, I've decided I will wear overalls. All the time. Not to sleep in, of course, but pretty much any other time. My only exception will be on Sunday mornings, to church, because I'm on stage for a little bit. I don't think it would matter if I wore overalls, but it's not my intention to offend. Wednesday nights will be in overalls. Grocery trips, in overalls. Field trips with Lady M, in overalls. To the doctor on Friday, in overalls.

My reasoning is pretty simple. First, overalls are comfortable. It's true. And I've never been one to wear things that aren't comforable. Second, overalls hide most of my problem areas. Since I can't take down all the mirrors in my house (although I'd LOVE to), at least now as I pass, I am not seeing the things that were causing such a bitterness towards myself. It's really freeing :). I think the main reason is because I have no desire to be distracted, or one who distracts people. from the important things. That may sound like a haughty or pretentious statement, like "eveyone has always envied me" or "i'm better than everyone", but that's not my intention. I myself have struggled in the last year with comparing myself to others. I found myself shopping for more clothes, more "things" that may make me look more like those who I was envying. Yep, I'm confessing. I didn't go overboard, or start using credit cards again, but I was getting distracted. Because when I see those people, looking so "put together", I was taking my focus off of God. Not only that, I was neglecting to look past their outside to the needs in their lives. I found myself thinking, " What do they need? They have it all!" But no one ever has it all, no matter how much they paint that picture for us.

I've seen the impact it makes on my girls for me to make a fuss over what I wear, or how someone else looks, and frankly, I don't want them to be a part of the mess we live in. I know they're sinful too, but if I can be an example of how to be in and not of the world, then I'm doing that much more to be a good steward of my kids.

God calls us to be set apart, and I know that doesn't mean to wear overalls all the time, but if that's what it takes for me to be able to focus more fully on Him, so that He can continue renewing my mind, I'll be more than happy to wear overalls forever. So until I see a reason to change my wardrobe or God tells me to do otherwise, I'll be wearing overalls 6 and a half days a week. I'm cleaning out my closet, so that I'm no longer distracted with the question of "what to wear? what to wear?"

Joy, blessings and love...

Worship Conference

So I'm getting ready to turn in a little early, because I've got to be up VERY early (at least by my standards). Tomorrow morning, I'm driving to Charlotte to attend an Integrity Live Seminar4Worship. I'm excited and nervous at the same time, because this will be the first time I've done something "alone" since before Lady M was born!! I know, it sounds crazy,but I've not had a night with just me in that long...

I took the girls to my mom's a little earlier today, so I could get my things together, and I HAD to get my tires rotated before I even thought about driving down there by myself. Turns out, I had a screw in one of my tires and it was causing a slow leak- GOOD THING I HAD THEM CHECKED!! My tire pressure light had been on for about a week, but it's messed up before so I thought it was just being silly because of the temperature changes again. THANK GOD I didn't just go on, otherwise I would probably had to have a flat tire changed.

Anyway, I'm super excited about the conference, because I'll be sitting in classes taught by people like Paul Baloche and Joel Auge (sorry, I don't know how to add the accent on the 'e' in his name). Funny thing is that God pretty much dropped this in my lap...

We did the study, The Dream Giver, at my church about a year ago. So many people at my church said they didn't know what their "God given" dream was, but mine was so clear I couldn't deny it. When I was in high school, I initially decided I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. After shadowing a friend who was going to college for elementary ed, I determined that was not really where I was supposed to be. I remember that I just kept thinking that my future had something to do with music. I took piano from 9 years old until I graduated high school, sang in the adult choir at my church when I was really young, was in chorus and band almost all thru high school, so obviously, I LOVE MUSIC!! It's always just been a part of who I am. So the end of my junior year in high school, I decide I want to go to college for music. Trust me, I heard a lot of negative comments about that, but it was what I felt I was supposed to do. I applied to UNCG and auditioned, and was given the privelege of choosing music education or music performance (which I understand now, most people don't get that choice).I remember one Sunday during my senior year, our pastor at the time was teaching about knowing God's will for your life. I went to the altar, and just really poured my heart out to God. I asked Him to give me a clear, undeniable sign that His will was for me to pursue music. Later that day, I had a piano recital. At the end of the recital, my piano teacher announced that I'd been awarded an anonymous scholarship since I was going to school to major in music. I'd never seen another person get a scholarship at a recital in my entire life, so I knew THIS was from GOD!!

Thru college, I managed to turn my back and run in the wrong direction, deciding after 2 years that I didn't need college because I wasn't learning anything in music that I didn't already know... stupid selfish idea! I was working in a music store (selling CDs and things), and invested in a joint venture in a home music studio with some friends of mine. We made a few CDs, I sang back up on some, but I was not acknowleging God in my life at all.

After all the mess I made for myself, I found myself back at square one last year with The Dream Giver. So I've really been trying to hear God's voice, and His direction for me since then. Early in the summer, I had this deep longing to learn more about "worship", not just music, not just what you do on Sunday morning, but more specifically, what is "worship"? So I found myself really studying more and more about what God says about worship. I really felt like I was supposed to go back to school or something, but when I tried to find info on anything like that online, most "worship" schools are in other states, so that was out. So I just searched "worship class" online, and the first thing that came up was Seminars4Worship, with a conference in Charlotte. I checked the price, funny enough, it was 2 days before the end of the super early bird deal... Amazing how God does that. I don't believe it was coincidence, and now, even more, I know it was all GOD!!

So that's where I'll be til Friday, I'm just praying that God will lead me in whatever direction He will have me go and that I will be receptive to hear His voice, and my heart will be willing to follow.