Nervous Wreck!!

So as most of you who are regular readers know, I'm just barely pregnant. I'm what my local quack-in-the-box clinic called "about 30 minutes pregnant" when I went in to get some meds for a bladder infection after my positive home test. A full 7 weeks into cooking a baby up in my oven, and already, I'm a NERVOUS WRECK!

I go to my reproductive endocrinologist on Friday for the first ultrasound, and while most people would be chomping at the bit to see that tiny little blob developing into a baby, with the slighest flicker in the middle, I am dreading it like the plague. After all, I've now seen 3 babies pictures in utero whose hearts stopped beating. Is that what I'm gonna see on Friday? I didn't get to see a heartbeat at all for Angel Babies 1 and 3, since I didn't have my first appointment until I was 12 weeks with the first one. I was too scared to have the D&C, thinking they'd surely just someone missed the heartbeat in the ultrasound. I decided to wait 2 and a half weeks to schedule another u/s so I could make sure that my baby had indeed lost it's precious little heartbeat. The third baby never developed a heart, even though I carried it a full 9 and a half weeks. As for Angel Baby #2, I got to see a heartbeat at 5 weeks, another at 9 weeks, and then at 13 weeks, another stopped heart. It's devestating.

Even with a "diagnosis" that "may" be the reason for multiple miscarriages, I am still very much afraid. I couldn't take either of the medicines prescribed, because they made me so sick. I knew if I became pregnant on the medicines, I couldn't possibly have a healthy pregnancy since I am typically the person who vomits at least 10 times every day between weeks 6 and 18. So I made the decision to not take the meds. Now I'm second guessing myself, and wondering, if there's no heartbeat on Friday, am I going to feel guilty??

I've gone through every scenario. I've racked my brain, thinking how everyone knew I was pregnant very early with  the first two lost babies because I was so sick. I didn't want to tell anyone, but I couldn't lie since it was obvious. I managed to keep number 3 a secret from everyone until I was miscarrying, at which point I called my mom, saying. "Sorry I didn't tell you before, but I need you to take me to the doctor right now, I was pregnant, and now I'm not." I've wondered if it was a matter of pride that kept me from carrying number 3 to delivery,  if they've all been tests that God is allowing to build character like in Romans 5: 3-5. I've tried to come up with the perfect formula to make sure I can deliver another healthy baby, but there just isn't one.

So this control freak is scared... terrified.... wanting to call and cancel the appointment on Friday morning. I just don't know if I can take it again. I have more babies in heaven than I have in my home, and it's not something I can understand. But I know one thing: God has a reason. And I can't wait until the day I know what that reason is. I won't question His ways, they aren't mine. I know He works all things together for good for me, because I love Him and am called according to His purpose. But I am begging Him today, please, please, let me hold this baby here on earth, even if only for a short while....