Monday, October 26, 2009

Music Monday

Today's song is one that I've listened to a million times before... it hits a nerve in me. Sort of reflects a path I've been walking for a year and a half.

I was told before I had Miss Priss that I shouldn't take birth control pills anymore because I'd had an allergic reaction to them. Boss and I had been wanting to start trying to get pregnant anyway, so we just looked at it as God's timing. Two months off the pill and I was pregnant with Miss Priss. Other than extreme "morning" sickness, which is typical for me in pregnancy, everything was normal and healthy. Miss Priss was born on March 20, 2007.

Ten months later I found out I was pregnant again. Boss and I had been using "protection" but for whatever reason, I became pregnant anyway. Of course, we weren't trying this time, but again, we just thought it was God's timing. I was sick as a dog, which to me, meant everything was going well.

Right before I found out I was pregnant, Boss was laid off work. We weren't offered COBRA insurance coverage (I know, it's illegal, we could have taken them to court, etc, but it would have been pointless). So my only option, being pregnant, was to go to the Social Services office. I sucked up my pride and went, got Medicaid for pregnant women, and made an appointment with my doctor.

At my first appointment, I'd been so sick that morning, and when I got to the doctor's office, I'd forgotten to bring my social security card to prove I was who I said I was and had medicaid. It was insane that they refused to see me, since I'd been a patient there for at least 7 years. Regardless, they didn't budge, and I missed my first appointment. At that time, I was eight weeks pregnant.

The next appointment was scheduled for about 4 weeks later. At my OB/GYN office, they take you into a nurses office for your first visit, and go over all of the prenatal tests you can choose to have done if you want. I just wanted to get through all of that talk asap so that I could see the first ultrasound. I elected "no" to all tests, and she gave me the giant freebie bag they always give out, full of magazines, free samples, and other information about birthing classes and the like.

In the room with the doctor, she was asking the normal questions, "have you had any issues?" yes, throwing up gallons as usual, but other than that, none. She had doppler thing to hear the heart beat set up, and started moving it over my abdomen. There was a heartbeat, but it was my own. She moved the device, over and over and over again, still no quick little fluttering of a tiny baby beginning... she said not to worry, sometimes it just didn't pick up. We moved to the ultrasound room.

My fear was confirmed. According to the ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. The baby had developed to 11 weeks, 5 days, and for whatever reason, the heart stopped.

I was alone at this appointment, since Boss had started a new job, he was afraid to take time off for fear of not making a good first impression. A D&C was scheduled for a couple of weeks later, since I was so reluctant to have anything done. In fact, before the D&C, I showed up at the office and begged for another ultrasound, just to make sure there was no sign of life. One of the physicians complied, only to confirm what they'd already seen. No heartbeat.

Three months later I was pregnant again, and at the exact due date of the first pregnancy, I found myself in the doctors office, going through an ultrasound again, and seeing no heartbeat, again. The baby again only developed to 11 weeks, 5 days. Only this time I'd carried to 13 and a half weeks.

And on my husband's birthday this year, I took a pregnancy test, which was positive. This time, the baby only developed to 4 weeks, which is basically no more than an egg sac. At nine and a half weeks, I miscarried.

So now we are in the testing process, trying to figure out how I've had 2 healthy beautiful little girls, and now can't seem to carry a pregnancy full term, for whatever reason. Today I will be going for my second round of bloodwork at WFUBMC Center for Reproductive Medicine. In a few weeks I'll have a "saline ultrasound" to see if there's any part of my organs that are working incorrectly. And if they see nothing wrong, and the bloodwork shows nothing definitive, we will be ushered out without any explanations as to why I don't have a nursery, or crib, or little one in my arms.

So today, and for the next few weeks, I'll be clinging to God. Praying that He will hold me through it all, and prepare me for whatever is or is not found. And if we get no answers, it will have to be enough. I will have to simply rest in the only True and Noble God, knowing that He knows what He's doing, and trusting that He is raising my sweet babies for me in His glorious home.

On another note all together, see what today's discussion is over in my BlogFrog Community, click the link below to find out!!


  1. You have been on an emotional rollercoaster for sure! I will pray for a peace and comfort today and the upcoming weeks. God has a plan and though we may not know or understand now, it is perfect.

  2. GraceandWillsMommyOctober 26, 2009 at 1:10 PM

    Praying for peace and patience for you until this season passes!

  3. what a moving and sad post! The song just brought me to tears! I will be praying that you get the answers you need,sweety!


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