this time of the year...

it's definitely Christmas time... it's just a few days away! Lady M's getting anxious, and Miss Priss's not sure what's going on, but she knows it's something good just because of how everyone around her is acting... i would love to say that i'm feeling overjoyed and as excited as usual, but it's just not truth. i didn't realize until today that i'm really slumping... i've apparently been trying to keep myself extra busy to avoid those things that i don't want to think about... which is good, but then, in the most inappropriate, unoppotune times, it crashes down around you...

our dog Belle had puppies almost 8 weeks ago, and they've been such a delight. they were born on october 29, which was the day i was due to deliver baby number 3... and happened to be the day after i found out baby number 4 had also joined his sibling in heaven. we've had fun playing with the pups and taking care of them... they're just too cute. thank God for that distraction.

but today, i came home from church, and went around the house to get all the dogs some food, when i found one lying against the bricks, partially covered with leaves, and stiff as a board. i bawled like a baby... i wanted to take this poor little pup up in my arms and hold him, and try to revive him, but i knew it would be futile. i moaned and cried as i tried to give him a proper resting place, all the while, Miss Priss's watching thru the windows...

and it's stuck with me all day... now i realize why it's been so hard this Christmas... if i'd had my way, i would be buying a new baby's first christmas ornament to hang on the tree... my christmas cards would've had 3 kids on them, not just two... if i'd had my way, i would wondering how i'm going to get everything ready for Christmas with a new baby... but that's not how life played out for me this year ... instead of first Christmas ornaments, i bought memorial ornaments for the ones i lost this year... and instead of thanking God for my two precious children, i've been subconciously hiding the pain of losing two more... i didn't even realize how bad i was doing until today, when i found the puppy...

as my new niece celebrates her first Christmas, and my nephew will be making his grand entrance any day now, i can't help but hurt.... Boss and I have talked about whether or not we'll do the "fertility tests", but I'm just not sure I can do that... it's as if i have a gaping wound and even the thought of trying again is like pouring salt or alcohol on it...

so now, as i get ready for my nightly quiet time with God, i'm confessing that my heart has held onto this pain for a while now... it's impairing a lot of things in my life, and i didn't even see that it was there... so Jesus, I'm giving this to you, I know you can carry it much better than I... help me to wake in the morning with a new focus and a brighter outlook on the beauty of your birthday celebration...