mountains and valleys...

i'm back from charlotte/concord and the seminars4worship conference. it was such an AMAZING time! i really went with no idea what to expect, but saw God's Hand at work in so many places, and heard His Voice whispering to me, "this is why I wanted you here" over and over again. it was like a slice of heaven, literally, being with so many people who have a passion to know God on such an intimate level, and to truly WORSHIP Him... it was the peak of a mountain top...

and today is back in the deepest valley. i went for a routine OB exam, as i'm 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant. and once again, my precious baby's heart has stopped beating, apparently around 11 weeks, just like earlier this year. my heart is broken, and i don't understand what is going on... tomorrow would have been my due date for the third life i was blessed to conceive. and thursday will be the day that number four will be "removed", as my body never knows how or when to let go of a child. and as i write this, with tears welling in my eyes, i'm still praising my God. He is the one who is holding my babies in His Almighty Arms. He is the Author of Life, His Holy Spirit is my Comforter. He ordains the days of each individual, and i know that His ways are higher than my ways (Isa. 55). my heart still sings for Him alone, because i know that when i enter His Awesome Presence, the wounds my heart bears so heavily now will be fully healed. and i will be given the honor of seeing how He saw fit to take my babies back to be with Him instead of walk on this earth. He has decided to spare them the pain of our sinful world, and while i can't possibly fathom why He would choose me to be used in this way, i count it an honor to know that He allows me this to strengthen me, and to make my dependence upon Him even more desperate. right now my heart is singing a song I think our old music minister wrote:
in Spirit and Truth, we will worship
in Spirit and Truth, we will praise
in Spirit and Truth, we will humble ourselves
and dance upon the mountain of God.

and as i get ready to try to rest, i send all my love to the sacred little ones that i won't get to hold, because you are now entrusted fully unto the care of the Most Awesome God... i love you both and pray that God will find you the best heavenly foster moms until i get there to show you how much i care...